Condom machine in library hit despite stiff competition catching up from behind…
A condom machine in the Vatican. We shit you not.
With SHAG week approaching an end for another year, The Buzz Kill explores a different angle.
The introduction of a condom machine on the ground floor toilets of the University library certainly raised a few eyebrows, among other things.
As if being Catholic wasn’t embarrassing enough at the moment, now you can’t even have a cry in the toilets over your denomination without facing up to the harsh reality.
The only exception to this of course is if you are a male sex worker, as outlined in the Catholic Church’s Great Fudge of 2010 (forgive the expression).
With student fees spiralling this may become a viable, if salubrious, option – if only for the fact that the Buzz Kill’s news staff are so ugly they could barely give it away, let alone sell it.
Nevertheless, the principal question remains; why? To answer this, we tried to contact a university librarian, who looked askance and said: “…
Nothing. Well not exactly nothing, it was more like a series of false starts. In hindsight, going up to her with a microphone in one hand and a packet of ‘El Gigante’ in the other was not the subtlest option.
And besides, given that it took our man four attempts to even try to question the attractive female librarian about condoms (granted he’s ugly but he’s got confidence), will this help nerds in the grand scheme of things? It’s unlikely.
Yet there is a strenuously legitimate reason. A lot of pubs in Coventry don’t do condoms in the machines anymore; just that ‘little blue pill’ and varying species of inflatable animal.
A brief history of the shaft balloon….
No, this isn't Casper's unfortunately misshaped brother
To that end, condoms are more widely available than they used to be. Traditionally, only very masculine places sold them, such as barbers. It is from the conjecture between barber and customer that the well-known phrase “something for the weekend, sir?” derives.
This implies however that in the 1950s and 1960s the great British public only had sex once a month or so when the husband went to the barbers, and on a Saturday night – which as any red blooded man will tell you conflicted with the introduction of Match of the Day in 1964.
Or protected sex, anyway – no wonder there was such a baby boom back then.
This raised the question of how contraception worked before the condom was around. After rudimentary research, the answer appeared to be through a forceful kick in the stomach, since the condom was on the market before the wire coat hanger. (1855 > 1869, fact fans)
A little known fact regarding condoms can be linked to the etymology of the word ‘scumbag’, which now means a person of ill repute, but was originally a word to describe a condom.
The original derivation has long since been discontinued, but by the state of the youths frequently appearing on The Jeremy Kyle Show, the Buzz Kill would like very much to see it make a comeback.
Now, of course, it is different; but who on earth would feel comfortable with putting a pack of condoms in their trolley while doing the weekly shop, despite how much cheaper it is? It was bad enough asking for them in chemists, for pity’s sake.
But still, visit a lot of pubs in Coventry and you will find machines of perverse, degrading sexual depravity – or toilets as they’re known to anyone who wasn’t a former singer of Wham.
Good old fashioned condom machines however remain a rare sight in men’s toilets amid the inch of piss on the floor, the hand dryer which is colder than Valhalla and that 10p in one of the urinals which you’re always tempted to fish for.
Our editorial stance has always been and will remain that, if it takes several ounces of plastic and a foot pump to get you going, then the very best of luck to you: however, this particular machine could be a vital solution for those who are too shy, too ignorant, or too drunk to find condoms of their own.
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