Mascot vs Fan: Wars of Submission?

This is a little bit old (January 18 to be precise), but it’s still worth a giggle.

If you’re at a basketball game, picking a fight with someone dressed in a comically oversized bear costume carrying a big sign with “I’m a Loser” written on it, you’d better win.

Maybe the bear brought bad memories back of a childhood trauma. Maybe he’d just had a few. Maybe he wanted the costume…or the sign. Who knows?

Taken from Youtube as WordPress is allergic to the better quality version on Live Leak. (Whew, no product placement here. No, sir.)

Quote of the Week: February 13

Quote of the Week, or Pretentious Wanker of the Week, comes this time from a Muse Youtube video. A video of the track MK Ultra, to be precise.

There’s nothing wrong with people who like Muse – indeed, there’s nothing wrong with Muse. But when people are making comments like:

“Is this music? No. This is Museic.”

Clive Anderson can't believe it either.

…then it does make you wonder. Our music correspondent, Jazzy O’Disco, was on hand to say: “Well, we thought this was ironic at first, but it seems that it’s deadly serious.

“Hopefully one day these kids will grow up, get laid, stoned and find there’s bands who 30 years ago were doing what Muse are now.”*

Sadly enough, at the time of print this particular comment has gone up to +35.

We would have sent this entry off to Private Eye’s ‘Pseuds’ column, but we wouldn’t risk that august publication losing the vast majority of its readership for the benefit of a tenner.

* The Buzz Kill is in no way affiliated with Jazzy O’Disco’s comments

No Stevie, The Brake’s The One In The Middle

Taken on Croft Road, near Ikea, Coventry, 6/2/11

For the benefit of our growth-impaired motorists

This brings up an interesting debate – we could well have made this a joke against women drivers, but sexism’s a sore point in the media at present. Aside from the editor’s problems with the ball and chain and certain alimony payments, it ensured this had to be a gag about blind people instead. But why? It blurred our vision somewhat, to pardon the expression.

We are also happy to report that the problem with the wonky traffic light has now been fixed, although it did take them a while.

White Stick Award: Why Saturdays Suck And Cheats Never Prosper

Being a universal news site, on this most important of sporting days it’s been decided to post about the more universal form of football, not that soppy limp-wristed American version.

Following the furore surrounding Andy Gray-gate and conjecture (q.v. “banter”) relating to Sian Massey’s alleged incompetence as a football official purely based on her gender, it’s worth showing you how badly the men have been doing things in the past couple of weeks.

The following two clips come from FA Trophy matches – a competition for premier non-league clubs started by the Football Association in 1969 – in the second and third rounds respectively. What they have in common are appalling, blatant handballs not spotted by the keen eyes of the officials.

According to the laws of the game (law 12 under ‘Foul and Misconduct’ if you’ve got a couple of hours to kill):

“A player, substitute or substituted player is sent off if he commits…deny[ing] the opposing team a goal or an obvious goalscoring opportunity by deliberately handling the ball”.

While the terms of ‘obvious goalscoring opportunity’ can lead to debate and opinion, it’s safe to say that the following incidents are fairly cut and dry. Spot the slight infringement in both clips.

 

White Stick Award #1: Matthew McLaughlin and officials, Boston United v Gloucester City, 15 January (video in link)

Boston United v Gloucester City in the FA Trophy second round, with Boston’s Rory Coleman the guilty (or not guilty) party here. However, the game went on to go some way to saying cheats never prosper, as Gloucester won 1-0.

Great save #1. Note position of referee. Click to enlarge.

White Stick Award #2: Steve Smith and officials, Blyth Spartans v Droylsden, 5 February (video in link)

Three weeks later, one round on and the Trophy brings about another shocking ref decision. Ciaran Kilheeney, the Droylsden striker, was the guilty man here with an even worse handball, but again the ref didn’t spot it and play was waved on.

Great save/volleyball move #2. Click to enlarge.

The Non-League Paper noted the incident (while curiously giving the ref a rather optimistic 6/10 for his performance) as the game finished 2-2; however, Blyth won the replay this evening 4-0 to go through to the next round.

Of course, some cheats prosper. But for embittered fans, who think they’ve seen it all – football is a stange mistress.

And on another note, we’ve no idea what Jack Dee is doing commentating for Woking’s matches. But as we couldn’t fit it anywhere else in the article, it’ll just have to go here.

The 10 Greatest Obscure Power Ballads (Part Two)

Right, we’ve given you five of our 10, now here’s the second part. Happy listening, ballad fans.

5: Uriah Heep – Poor Little Rich Girl (from Equator, 1985)

Uriah Heep? The hell are they doing here? Weren’t they that weird 70s band that sang about wizards and magic and shit?

Well yes, but by 1985 they’d wisely decided to change their lyrical focus somewhat. Featuring Mick Box as the only constant from the days of old, along with Lee Kerslake on drums (hey, he wasn’t an original member, but he played on Demons and Wizards, which kicks proverbial ass, y’hear?) Uriah Heep turned into a more generic hard rock band upon the release of 1985’s Equator.

This tune’s a real sore, twisted son-of-a-bitch which explores the darker side of power ballads. “Poor little rich girl/your money talks, you pull the strings/it’s a shame, poor little rich girl/your money burns, we all have wings.” It’s not quite ‘yummy yummy I’ve got love in my tummy’ in blind optimism stakes, but it’s mean, moody and magnificent in the meantime.

Got to love the total shift to madrigal strings (read: synthesised strings) at around 3:30 which proves that they totally hadn’t lost their 70s weirdness, but it’s only short-lived as Box’s guitar solo rips in a few moments later. Still, the guitar soloing and the superb “it’s…a…game!” chorus is worth keeping this one firmly on iPods everywhere.

4: Electric Light Orchestra – Don’t Walk Away (from Xanadu, 1980)

File this one under guilty pleasure, stat. We’ve tried ever so hard to not like this, but it just does something to us.

In the late 1970s, every man and his dog were trying to follow up on the success of Grease. Infact you had so much grease knocking about that some poor bastard was eventually going to slip up. Enter Xanadu in 1980.

Lead actor Michael Beck once said of the film: “The Warriors opened a lot of doors in film for me, which Xanadu then closed.” Who’d have thought roller disco was never going to take off, eh?

The soundtrack is essentially Jeff Lynne by numbers, aside from this tragically forgotten power ballad which, even though you’re supposed to abhor it, has all the classic hallmarks. Slow pounding ballad, four chords, heroic vocals, and several sing-along moments. “How in the world can I go on?” Jeff asks indeed.

And just when you think “no, this song can’t go up another key, no…it can’t make it…” at 3:30 the catharsis is complete; a teardrop fills your eye and you have to use another lighter. Magnificent stuff, and proof you don’t need a wailing guitar to power your ballad, but for the love of God don’t watch the film.

3: Coverdale Page – Take A Look At Yourself (from Coverdale Page, 1993)

David Coverdale and Jimmy Page together – aren’t they two names that fill you up with a heady mix of euphoria and trepidation?

The year’s 1993. As a result, we’ve got bad haircuts galore (and we’ve also got Page and Coverdale looking uncannily like Brian May and Roger Taylor on the album cover by the way…work that one out). Of course the album was relatively faceless, and in the wake of Nirvana nobody really paid much attention, but the joy of the collaboration was watching shit like this in the live performances. Coverdale does a blinding Robert Plant here by the way, never mind what all the purists say. Plus, it was stopping Dave fucking up the history of hard rock music with Whitesnake.

Maybe get JPJ off Them Crooked Vultures and put Coverdale on the mic…it could be beautiful. Of course it’s worth them singing this too, for all the lighters in the world.

2: Tesla – What You Give (from Psychotic Supper, 1991)

Okay, everyone likes drinking Bud, everyone knows Fox News sucks, everyone likes a bit of blues-metal. Everyone also knows Tesla’s only decent song was ‘Love Song’, right? Wrong.

This little gem (we’ve included the single version here, but the album cut clocks in at an almighty seven minutes) is tucked away on what the band considers their best effort, 1991’s Psychotic Supper.

The bare-bones structure of this song, held together by Frank Hannon’s gorgeous acoustic riff, goes effortlessly from blues rock to heavy power balladry, and the video, proof that if you’ve got the hair, you can do anything, encapsulates the song’s lyric; it’s not what you’ve got, but what you give. And we give you this.

1: Great White – Hold On (from Stick It, 1984)

The greatest power ballad that nobody’s heard about? Well, we think so. For a start, this is on two different albums, dependent on where you are. For folks in Europe, this is off ‘Stick It’; for folks in America, this is off ‘Great White’.

Confused? Well don’t be, as this is utterly magnificent. Again put this under the category of ‘early album track people barely remember’, as Great White went on to much better things after about 1987, if you read what people say.

This ballad’s got a real haunting quality, and one of the most kick-ass choruses in the history of recorded music. “Gotta hold on…one more day.” It’s got the perfect mix of ballsiness and despair, going far away from the usual bullshit of talking about rain, or change, but about having nothing left to live for except hope itself. When you’re feeling down, play this – a most deserving winner.

So that’s it for power ballads. There are of course many, many more we couldn’t fit in – why not tell us some of yours?